So you’re moving into a new house. Or, because it’s Maine, you’re moving into an old house that’s new for you. Ironically, it’s not until you’re “old” here in Maine that you move into a “new” house. Weird. But, I digress.

Anyway, you’re moving in. As you’re setting up your phone service, being a person who likes to enjoy your evening dinner without incessant salesmen ringing the phone off the hook, you decide to get an unlisted phone number.

Once your “stealth” number is established, you’re careful who you give the number to, especially businesses or web sites that don’t absolutely positively require it to give you what you want. Dinnertimes are quiet and relaxing, and you enjoy your al dente linguine in peace.

Then, seemingly overnight, and not just at dinnertime, your phone starts to ring all the time. Sometimes you’re on with one salesman, with another one “beeping in” on call waiting. You find yourself spending more money going out for dinner, just so you don’t have to be at home when the solicitor “carpet bombing” begins promptly at 6:30 every evening.

Frazzled, you call the phone company for answers. After many minutes of “Sold on Hold”, you reach a “Customer Service Representative”.

“Thank you for calling Mega-Phone, Mister, uh, ZIM-AH-KA-HOO-SKI. We here at Mega-Phone, in order to provide you with better service (yeah, right) and lower rates (yeah, in your dreams), have “partnered” with many fine retailers to offer you fantastic savings on the goods and services you want and need.”

Stunned, you ask “You gave my phone number to telemarketers?”

“Well, no, Mister ZAM-OH-WIZ-BOWSKI, not really. Actually, we sold your phone number to telemarketers. But not all telemarketers. You see, due to our advanced technology we’ve been able to give your number only to those offering products we think you’ll want to use. By monitoring your outgoing calls for goods and services, we can..”

“You monitored my outgoing calls?” Aghast, you Google the number for the complaint line at the FCC. Somewhere in cyberspace, a computer logs your Google entry, and checks a box by your name, labeling you as a “Malcontent”.

Although this scenario with the phone company is fictitious, something very similar is being considered by “Big Email”. I don’t want to mention any names here, but their name rhymes with “A-O-Hell”. Oh, come on, let’s just say it – it’s AOL.

AOL says they’re going to use a service from a company called “Goodmail”. Their service is called “Certified Email”. Nice sounding names, eh? Can’t be onerous, right?

Here’s how it will work. Mass emailers who can afford it will pay AOL big bucks in return for a guarantee that their spam will bypass AOL’s spam filters and make it to each AOL member’s mailbox. Some think this system will actually cut back on spam, as spammers who can’t afford to pay AOL’s “spam tax” will have their spam stopped by the spam filters, and eventually give up spamming and get a real job. Not likely.

So, AOL’s coffers fill with gold as your email InBox fills with spam. Sounds like a reasonable trade to me.

But, wait. It gets better. Wouldn’t it be a great idea if AOL (hiring another firm with a pleasant name like “Wonderful, Helping, Bunnies In A Pasture Company”) could log your web surfing activity, and then tailor the spam that gets sent to you to fit your “modern lifestyle?”

Oh, wait a minute. They already do that. Difference is, with AOL (and others’) plan, you can rest assured that all the spam you need will get through to you. Ain’t technology wonderful?

© 2006 Peter F. Zimowski